Life is not measured by the breaths we take, but the moments that take our breath away

These last couple of months have been difficult:

my panic attacks reached new levels almost rendering me unable to be alone- which then affected my relationship and patience with my children, husband, friends and family. I started to lose sight of what life is really about. My focus was trying to avoid the irrational fear that I was going to die at any moment or the fear of having a panic attack. Although I would be feeling fine, just thinking I might have one brought it to reality. However, I have slowly been getting back to myself and with eyes wide open, see and feel the moments that make my life so fulfilling:

Walking anywhere and having my daughter slip her hand into mine and look up at me and smile.

The first time my son said mama and looked right at me.

Olivia sleeping in my bed when daddy works at the firehouse.

Liam's smile- with his little dimple on his right cheek.

Waking up and bringing Olivia and Liam in my bed so we can drink juice boxes and eat goldfish while watching Sesame Street- "What's the word on the Street?"

My kids feet. I love them! so soft and perfect.

When Olivia says, "I love you mommy".

Liam crawling into my lap and only wanting his mama.

Olivia's sweet voice...even when she is whining or crying.

The quivering bottom lips my kids have right before they cry when they are sad or hurt.


My kids laughing- especially their devilish little laughs.


Olivia and Liam playing together.


The way my kids look like little cherubs when they sleep- so peaceful, so innocent... don't grow up, don't grow up...

The way my husband looks at me with his little smirk- telling me I am the most beautiful woman in the world.

My dad playing with my kids.

Finding pennies- A penny from heaven- my mother's way of letting me know that everything is okay.

My sister.

My friends.


"sisters through blood and sisters through life"


Camping- "Holla at you at Oprah's House and in the exam room".

The thought of fall- crisp air, beautiful foliage, football on TV, a chicken baking in the oven and apple pie for dessert.

Christmas time- decorating, baking, the first big snow storm, the anticipation of Christmas Day- the best is seeing it all through a child's eyes again.

County music songs- My wish, Godspeed, You're gonna miss this, Front porch looking in, Mama's song, In my daughter's eyes, Wasted, Don't Blink...

and It's five o'clock Somehwhere, cuz after you listen to all the lyrics of the above songs you are gonna need a drink!

The thought of the future and our family growing together.

But my most favorite moment is NOW... looking past all the laundry, cleaning and grocery shopping that needs to be done, the wishing it were bedtime already or that the kids were older, the panic attacks...

And really experiencing the moments that can pass you by if you aren't paying attention.

BOY oh BOY

"Mothers of little boys work from SON up until SON down!"

I have a new found respect for all you mothers of little boys~ Liam is on the move now- crawling and pulling himself up and he is a maniac!

Today started at 5:45am Liam crying. oh please go back to sleep, oh please, please....

Nope.

Bill gets up for work and brings him into our bed. I nurse him in all hopes he will fall back to sleep. He starts to drift in an out but then pops up and looks to my night stand because he knows that his snack is there- Damn, he is a smart little booger. I give him his snack cup with cheerios in it and his water cup and try to rest for just a little longer. Cheerios are going flying everywhere because he thinks it is funny to shake his snack cup to get the cheerios out- by the way he knows how to reach his pudgy little fingers in the cup but thinks it is more fun this way. I finally get us up- cheerios stuck to my arms and somehow down my night gown....

I put him on the floor in the living room to play while I get a cup of coffee to get my eyes to open up. I turn around and he has disappeared!

"Liam? Liam? LIAM?!"

hahaha, very funny kid- he is down the hallway playing with my bedroom door. Why do I even bother to buy toys? Any who, little princess Olivia has actually slept over her cousin's house and I need to get her by 9am. I scoop Liam up and put him in his high chair with pears, toast and some cheerios. That lasts for, oh about 10 minutes until he is dropping pears on his head and waving his hand frantically on the high chair tray sending cheerios everywhere. The cats think this is great- they bat cheerios all around the house. Just another day in paradise....

So it is only 7:45am and Liam starts crying-

well of course~ you are still tired! Does anyone ever listen to their mother!

I pick him up and put him in the porta crib in our room screaming but I need to get into the shower....

"Liiaaammm, mamma's coming." I yell from the shower repeatedly hoping this will make him stop screaming.

Finally it is quiet.

I am washing my face and I hear his little cooing but it sounds closer.... and closer.... I look out of the shower and Liam is sitting there.

"OH MY GOD! HOW DID YOU GET IN HERE!"

I am yelling at him as if he will answer me. He just looks up at me with a smile. For a split second I think that someone is in the house and lifted him out of the porta crib- there is no other explanation.... I hop out of the shower and peer into my bedroom. One side of the porta crib is down. We knew that one side was having difficulty latching but I thought that I had secured it. Apparently not! But still how did my 10 month old boy manage to get out without a thud, thump or bump somewhere on his body?! Olivia didn't even attempt to climb out of her crib/porta crib until she was over 2! I am naked with my hair up in a towel as I grab the phone and call Billy to ask him why his son is doing these things?

I am trying to get ready and Liam starts playing with the bathroom door. Really? I have not been out of the shower for 5 minutes and I am already sweating! I quickly get myself together and sit Liam amongst his toys to which he starts screaming, again.

Deal Buddy- don't know what else to tell ya.

I get everything together and get him in the car. Before we are out of the drive way he is fast asleep. Ahhhhh peace and quiet.

I pick up Olivia and rush back to our house to get her ready to go with GaGa and PaPa. Liam sleeps for the hour we are in the car and then is content to play with Liv while we are waiting. GaGa and PaPa show up with Dunkin' Donuts and Liam gets his first taste of a white powdered munchkin- He loves it! Not like the kids doesn't like any type of food but still it was exciting to see his little face with white powder on it. Everyone finishes their breakfast and as I am saying good bye to Olivia, while holding Liam I notice that he is chewing on something.

What the.... OMG! It is a shell to a pistachio.

"Does he have hives? is he breathing okay?" I frantically ask Bill's parents. Liam is fine, happy as a clam (another food that he can't eat before a certain age but will probably do so when no one is looking!) It is not even 11am and I have already survived two heart attacks- what's next?

I will tell you. I put Liam down and start to clean up the house because apparently it is filthy if there are pistachio shells lying around somewhere. Liam is happily playing with his toys. I quickly clean the bathroom, checking on him every few minutes. Well the last time I come out to check on him he holds his hand up and smiles as he is sitting next to the cat bowls! Lovely, wet cat food on his fingers. I have no idea if he ate any of it. I debate about calling poison control but opt not to as he has already survived falling out of a porta crib and chewing on nuts- what's a little cat food? He apparently has 9 lives anyway.

Is it nap time yet?

Afternoons

So afternoons at our house usually consist of me on the verge of a mental breakdown, Olivia whining and crying because she doesn't take naps anymore and really should take naps and Liam waking up from his nap ready to go.... This afternoon was no exception.



Thursdays is my dad's day to visit. He comes over around 3:30pm and stays for dinner. Throw him into the mix and you have a full blown "Paar-tay!". All kidding aside, he is a great man and I love him dearly and I have learned to realize that he really does know a thing or two about raising kids. My dad walks in to Olivia having a tantrum over nothing, Liam on his play mat cheerios and toys strewn everywhere and me trying to breath through an anxiety attack.

Where is Bill you ask? Oh out back fighting with a backhoe trying to dig out the yard for our pool- the backhoe was winning. Any who, I make idle conversation with my dad while trying to ignore the aches and pains of my body, especially my back. I know it is from starting back at the gym but I thought it would ease my anxiety as I could explain away all the pain- NOT! I really felt like every muscle/organ in my body was going to explode and I was going to drop dead.

Olivia has busied herself with play doh and has invited my father to sit down and play with her- heaven forbid he invite himself to sit down and offer to play she would have a meltdown. Liam is crawling now and getting over pink eye and a cold and has been very fussy. Whenever he sees me he can now crawl to me while he whines (but he is so cute). I am trying to prepare dinner- steak on the grill, salad and french fries. I put Liam in his high chair with his dinner and start to make the salad. Olivia sees me get the salad out and insists on helping- which normally I don't mind but today I just want to get it done (I am a bad mother I keep thinking to myself simultaneously while I am thinking that my spine is going to degenerate right now and I will be paralyzed). Olivia does a great job picking the stems off the spinach and mixing the red onions and tomatoes in while my father is still sitting playing play doh and watching Nick Jr. I finally stop and tell my father that I am in pain and having anxiety. He understands as he suffers from this disorder as well and immediately starts helping me calm down. He diminishes my fears and validates my pain as muscle pain from working out. I ask my dad to feed Liam his yogurt while I sit down and try to relax. My dad starts to feed him and gets more all over Liam's face then Liam does when he feeds himself. I take over and my dad continues to talk to me and rub my back. Olivia is talking to us but I am not really paying attention to what she is saying and agree with pretty much everything, "uh-hu, okay Olivia, good job (I don't know if she even warranted a good job but whatever). I am finally feeling better and thank my father for his help and support. I come back to reality and realize that Liam not only has yogurt on his face but in his ear and hair AND Olivia got the bag of potato chips out of the pantry and is happily sitting on the couch, watching TV eating chips- Did I black out?! I quickly try to regain control but give up as I am tired, hungry and need to get dinner on the table before midnight. I put Liam on the floor in the kitchen with a wooden spoon and mixing bowl- he could not be happier banging away.



"I want one!"



"Of course you do Olivia."



I hand her a wooden spoon and mixing bowl too and it gets LOUD. My poor father, who is starting to have a hard time hearing has to leave the kitchen. Salad made and fries in the oven, I get the steak on the grill. I come back in from outside and Olivia is in Liam's high chair, my dad trying to adjust the straps to fit her and Liam is now banging on the kitchen cabinets with his wooden spoon.



I NEED a VACATION! by myself.



I am in and out of the house over the next 15 minutes cooking the steak and don't care that Olivia is eating cheerios in Liam's high chair and Liam is now trying to pull himself up to the high chair because he sees food. I go to check on the fries in the oven and SNAP- the oven handle comes completely off in my hand- REALLY?!



I now try to pry the oven open with no handle to save the fries. Oven mitts on, I open the stove by the side and rescue my fries. Thank goodness they are done and I can just shut off the stove and leave the handle resting peacefully on the counter for Bill to deal with later. Dinner is done, Bill comes in and sees the stove handle. Liam is crying, my dad is waiting patiently for his dinner and Olivia is now complaining that she doesn't want steak for dinner- I turn around to see that Bill feels now is the appropriate time to fix the stove handle- Do you not register the chaos that is happening? AND the oven is still hot!- Moron. I breath to myself and through gritted teeth with a very, very forced smile on my face ask Bill to leave the handle for later.

Of course the second I finally sit down to eat Liam is done eating and starting to cry, Olivia needs more steak (which now she likes) and the cat jumps up on the table. I get Olivia her steak, shoot Bill a look that says, "if you don't do something to calm Liam right now I am leaving" and throw the cat downstairs. Bill quickly finishes his dinner and takes Olivia and Liam to the bath. I am finally left to eat my dinner with my father. I apologize for our chaotic lifestyle and he just laughs. He knows- for God sakes he should be a saint! He and my mother had to raise me.

My father gone, the kids in bed, the stove handle fixed and I reflect back on my afternoon. I realize that as crazy as it can get sometimes, this is my life and my memories and I would not change it for one second.

Getting out of the house

I wake up with the intention of going out and getting some errands done. And the mad dash to get out of the house before 10am begins.... I would like to be home by noon to give my kids a nice wholesome lunch but happy meals on the road and naps in the car it will probably be. PS I usually get up between 7am and 8am so you would think 2 to 3 hours would be plenty of time to get out of the house- not here.



I need my cup of coffee which I have already said I can't drink without reheating at least 3 times- have to feed Liam who is happy to eat anything these days and fight with Olivia to have something besides chips or cookies for breakfast.



"you want what? a frozen waffle? sure. Here ya go."



Then change and dress Liam and then try to get Olivia dressed. Now at almost 3 she has to do EVERYTHING herself. I have given up on making her clothes match- if she will put it on it works for me. Then the battle for me to get into the shower ensues. I used to put Liam and Olivia in my bed watching TV while I got in the shower- not anymore. Little miss independent needs to stay out in the "ligy" room as she calls the living room and Liam is rolling all over. I have to give in to Liv because I'd rather spend 5 minutes setting her up with a movie and toy then 20 minutes arguing with her and bribing her into my room. I then carry the exersaucer, usually with Liam in it into my bedroom and get into the shower as Liam is crying.



"Olivia can you come in here and play with your brother, please?!"



I get into the shower and try to enjoy my 5 minutes of solitude (yeah, right) and then I start hurrying up because I am frantically picturing Olivia getting into something she is not supposed to- every couple of minutes I am called her, from the shower to come in and answer some inane question I make up just to make sure she is okay. I get out of the shower and start yelling again for her to come in and get her hair done and brush her teeth. Several times have I run out to the living room naked when she hasn't answered me thinking something terrible happened only to find her playing or engrossed in her show. One day I will run out naked just as the oil guy or UPS man shows up.

She finally gets into the bathroom and my test of patience begins again-

"here brush your teeth."

"no, I want to put the toothpaste on.."

"okay, let me wet your hair down."

"no. I want to do it!"

arrgghhhh.

Liam is really fussing now and I dump a load of Puffs (aka baby crack) onto the tray of the exersaucer. This buys me about 5 more minutes. As I send Olivia back out of the bathroom so I can finish getting ready I notice her socks and shoes are off.... Really?!

I am finally ready. I try to look decent to go out but I know that I probably look like a hot mess, especially because I am sweating profusely from the mommy marathon that has ensued since I have gotten out of the shower. I don't know why I even bother. I refuse to stop in front of the mirror because I would just be horrified and since I have made it this far to get out of the house I am not going to let MY appearance stop us. I get Liam and head towards the door....

"Liv, let's go. Olivia. OLIVIA ANN NOW!"

I head back to her room and find her clothes from her dresser strewn everywhere, her pants off but two pairs of underwear on and she is concentrating very hard on putting a different pair of pants on.

"Mommy, I wanted to wear my pink pants."

I don't even have words at this point. She finally gets dressed (after I am told to leave the room because she can do it HERSELF- at these times I know my mother is laughing from heaven saying, "I told you... just wait until you have a little girl of your own.") I walk out of her room and firmly tell Liam that he MUST stay a baby FOREVER!

Olivia finally presents herself and I am trying to be patient. "let's go."

"okay, but I need my baby and her stuff."

"no. Let's go!"

She grabs her baby and starts stuffing her purse full of God knows what and heads towards the door.

"Mommy, this stuff is heavy. Can you carry it?"

Sure let me just get my bionic arms going- holding Liam, the diaper bag, my purse and not Liv's entourage. LET'S GO!

We make it to the car and Liam is in.

"I have to go to the bathroom."

"of course you do."

Back into the house, pee and back out to the car we all go.

Finally the kids are in the car and I start to hand Olivia her "have to have" toys...

"no, I don't want them. Can you put them on the floor?"

I wish I could tell you where I'd like to put them but that would probably be a CPS report....

TV

Okay, as previously stated I am not mother of the year so my kids watch television a lot- pretty much from when they wake up until when they got to bed the television is on. They may not watch it all the time but it is background noise to their playing. For Christmas Santa got me a neat little 10 inch under mount TV for the kitchen so I can watch what I want while me kids enjoy our 46 inch flat screen in the living room! How do things like this happen?! Anyway, I have come to love and hate Nick Jr.- I love that it keeps my kids occupied when I need a break or to get things done but I hate the shows and characters. I applaud you parents that have set limits on TV time or have opted to not allow TV at all- you are better parents than I AND you are saving yourselves the cost of Ibuprofen and cartoon characters haunting your dreams.
I realize that as the kids get older the shows are only going to get more annoying and could even turn into an obsession- I am glad they are not old enough to be a part of the Hannah Montana, High School Musical and ICarly Craze. I also realize that writing this proves that my life really does revolve around my kids. I mean who spends several hours perfecting a blog about preschool television?! I really need to get out more.


MAX & RUBY

First of all where the hell are their parents? This show is a CPS report waiting to happen. From time to time I see episodes with pictures of what I guess are their parents but why is Ruby always in charge of Max? She always wants Max to go away or leave her alone- So the one episode where Max is happily playing on the playground, Ruby wants him to pretend to be a baby- Can you just leave him alone Ruby!


TOOT & PUDDLE


Let's just put it out there.... They are gay- two "friends" living together, going on trips around the world, taking care of each other... really did you think I wouldn't notice.



YO GABBA GABBA


This is baby Crack- My kids stop dead in their tracks for this show- DJ Lance you are the man! I plan my day around your show. But I still don't know the character's names- they are so weird- Tofu, Moon U... I don't know and I don't care as long as the kids are entertained.


I don't have many thoughts on Franklin, Pinky Dinky Do, Jack's Big Music Show, Oswald or Lazy Town except that I can't get some of the theme songs out of my head. I catch myself now and again going about my day singing, "Pinky's got a story she wants to share with you... Pinky Dinky Doo.... If I got a problem, I know just what to do- I think and think and think and suddenly I know.... It's Franklin comin' over to your house.... Come on everyone give your foot a tap, come on everyone give your hands a clap... Dumdiddy, Dum-D-Dum-D-Dum Day-It's Jack's BIG muuusic showww... Welcome to Lazy Town- Bing Bang Diggiriga (whatever she says) funny words I say when I am dancing (yes and stupid) .... " Sorry if you now have these songs in your head but I thought I should share the wealth.


BLUE'S CLUES

Blue's clues is not bad- Steve and Joe leave something to be desired. I personally prefer Steve to Joe and my favorite episode is when they are both on together. I then saw Steve left the show to pursue his rock career- you may see him from time to time on Nick Jr. singing a kids rock tune with his band- weird.


WOW WOW WUBBZY

Again a show that mesmerizes Olivia and I want to jump out of my skin when it is on. I find Wubbzy very annoying. Wow, Wow everyone


Now we move to our ethnic or more cultural shows:


NI-HOA KAI LAN

Cute little girl with her furry friends and YeYe- yeha, yaya- whatever- her grandfather. But her eyes are on the side of her head. Has anyone else noticed this?


DORA


Hola! great you teach Spanish but how many times are you going to ask me where we are going?! I know already!- over the bridge, through the forest, to the tallest mountain.


DIEGO

I don't mind Diego so much except when I realized that a kid watching another kid, even a cartoon kid play with a baby Jaguar or coyote or other deadly animal and make them seem so harmless may not be such a good influence. I mean if Olivia ever comes to me and wants to "rescue" a snake that is outside I am not going to be as kind as Diego to this animal.



THE BACKYARDIGANS


Yes I am including the Backyardigans in this category because these backyard friends apparently live in the most ethnic neighborhood- Pablo, Tyrone, Uniqua, Tasha and Austin. I am glad to see them all getting along and playing nice- just warms my heart.


WONDER PETS

The MOST annoying show on Nick Jr. by far! I cannot stand it! I don't know if it is the songs- "The phone. The phone is ringing. There's an animal in trouble.... What's gonna work?... Team work..." or the Characters- Linny, Tuck and Ming Ming too, who by the way, needs a speech therapist- I don't know but I just don't like it.

and let's talk about the "commercials" in between shows... if I see one more Fresh Beat Band video I will scream. It makes me cringe when I hear it but I can't help but sing along- Why?!
"It was a great day, what a super day; I got, I got, I got, You got, you got, you got, we got, we got, we got loco legs.... and my personal favorite-Friends give friends a hand, put your hand in mine and we'll be fine- when you neeeeeed a helping hand.

I must be going insane!


Moose A. Moose and Zee are great but sometimes I find myself singing their songs too-
"I don't like candy corn.... We're going on a trip, we're going on a trip.... "


On a positive note I LOVE Miss Spider- It is really my favorite show. I don't know if it is because Kristin Davis from Sex and The City is Miss Spider and I just feel a connection but I have to say that I actually enjoy watching it.

I am rereading this entry feeling like I really am the worst mother of the year but alas Nick Jr. IS like preschool on TV because the other day I was not in a very good mood and Olivia said, "mommy are u happy?"


"no."

"I know what will make you happy- hugs. Do you need a hug mommy?"

"yes baby. I do."

She gave me a hug and asked if I was feeling better. I told her I was and asked where that came from and she said, "Gabba Gabba. Sometimes you just need a hug to feel better"


Wow! I am a better mother than I thought for letting my kid watch TV!

Mommy Meltdown

Being stuck inside with two kids for 4 days of snowy, cold weather with no phone, cable or TV (at least we had electricity- I don't know how the families who had nothing survived. I can see why some animals eat their young) It was enough to send me right over the edge. The first two days didn't seem so bad- staying in pj's, playing in the snow, hot chocolate, watching movies, making arts and crafts but as day three came to an end I was out of ideas, energy and patience. Day 4 and I was determined to get out of the house- BY MYSELF. It took Bill a couple of hours to shovel, snowblow and plow us out. He then made his rounds around town helping out family and friends. Finally, at 11:30am I was ready to go. Bill informed me that he didn't really dig out my van but told me to "gun it" over the snow. Here I go on my way....

He didn't really dig out my van was an understatement- he did everything else EXCEPT dig out my car but my determination to get away was strong. I gunned it and moved about an inch. Reverse and then forward again, back and forth until all that is left is my wheels spinning, stuck in the snow! SON OF A ...

I am PISSED- yelling and cursing at no one as I walk back to the house to get a shovel. I open the door yell in "What were you thinking?! Gun it?!" and slam the door. I hustle back to the car and start digging it out. Bill goes to the window in Liam's room and starts banging on it. Now I can't really see him or hear him but I am assuming he is saying something. My blood pressure is rising and I am getting more angry that he hasn't already come out to help me. And apparently he can't open the window a smidge to talk to me. I yell at him that I can't hear him and to leave me alone. He finally opens the window and tells me to come in with the kids and he would dig out the car- NO WAY. I know that I am being irrational and mean but at this point I don't care. I am shoveling, crying, talking to myself-

"how stupid can he be. Just gun it he says, I just want a break, I deserve a break. I can't do this by myself (shovel and parent). Fine I will just not go anywhere- just back to bed. What an ass he is."

I finally realize that I am not really making any progress digging out. I am just throwing huge mounds of snow back onto the cleared off driveway. I storm inside, throwing my coat, hat and gloves off while announcing that I will just stay home. I run to my room and slam the door and throw myself on my bed (yes I can have a tantrum just as well, if not better than any 2 or 3 year old I know!) I take 5 minutes and collect myself and return to the living room. Olivia is still watching tv and Liam is playing happily in his bouncer but Bill has disappeared and I am guessing he went out to shovel my car out. He returns 15 minutes later and tells me to go. I grab my stuff and I am O-U-T- see ya later, arrivederci, goodbye!

As I whip out of the driveway I realize that I really don't know where I want to go. Well I need stamps so off to the post office I go- how exciting. I get my stamps and am starting to feel like a horrible wife, mother and person. I am torn- I feel selfish and ashamed of how I reacted but at the same time I felt like I deserved some time for me, which is very rare. When I do get some time (which is usually to go food shopping or run errands for the house or our family, not necessarily for me) I find that I am always rushing to get back home to the kids, like they are a burden on who ever is watching them, even when it is their own father. I wonder if that is a me thing or a mom thing? Anyway, my guilt running strong I pick up McDonald's for lunch for everyone, which is not good for my new diet but at this point.... the hell with it... then a Dunkin' Donuts coffee for Billy and return home with my "tail between my legs". Olivia could care less about my outburst and is thrilled with her happy meal. I apologize to Bill and give him his food and coffee as a peace offering but I have to add my two cents-

"Did you really think that the van was going to jump over the snow banks that were surrounding it?"

With his crooked little smile he replies, "I told you to gun it."

I love my husband and my kids. They are the best things to happen to me. I truly love being a stay at home mom. I love the smiles and laughter and chaos and dysfunction that occurs on a daily basis here. What I realize is that I love ME too and sometimes ME needs to recharge her batteries and get back to neutral (and a big glass of Merlot- I am talking HUGE) so that I can be the "best little wifey" and "mother of the year" and "humanitarian do-gooder" that I usually am .... or just somewhat functional- I say potato, you say potahto.

sleep

4am- just leaving the bar... not since 2003! just trying to sleep but here's how that goes...

"moommy"

Bill laying beside me in our bed pretending he didn't hear her.

"moommy"

Me still laying in bed waiting for Bill to stop pretending and get up.... HA!

I get up and get my robe and start towards our bedroom door

"I'll get her" now he speaks

"forget it" in my I don't like you anymore voice.

in to Olivia's room I go and there she is, sitting up all ready to get up.

okay, I will start with the nice approach- the loving, caring mother I am at 4am.

"It's early. It's not time to get up." This being said as she is inching toward the end of the bed.

"No Olivia. Get back in bed and go to sleep!"

I cover her up, well try to as she is kicking her legs at me and walk out of her room while she is crying.

Great! Another good night of sleep I think as I am getting back into bed. I am also still thinking that I really don't like my husband as he is snoring away.

Olivia's crying continues and I get back up again. (If Bill even speaks I will kill him).

"Olivia you are not getting up or coming into our bed."

5 seconds later I am walking back into our bedroom- Olivia, her pillow, blanket and various babies and stuffed animals in hand.

"now lay down and go to sleep, Please!"

Just as I am drifting back off to sleep....

"WHAAAA, WHAAA.." comes out of Liam's monitor. Here we go again. Robe back on and into Liam's room to feed him and put him back to bed. I get back to my bed 15 minutes later and Olivia is still rolling around, Bill is still oblivious and as I roll over to go to sleep I hear the cat start coughing.

ARE YOU FREAKIN' KIDDING ME?!

I get up to scoot Barnum out of our room and down the hallway. Back in bed...again and I can still hear the cat yakking. I get up again to throw him (literally) downstairs and step in something. REALLY?!

I really want to kick the cat but I hobble to the bathroom to wash the hairball off my foot. By the time I get back into bed it is after 5am. Bill, Olivia and Barnum are all resting comfortably.

The topper, when I finally drag myself out of bed 2 hours later Bill looks at me and says, "rough night, huh?"

Can you say DIVORCE...

Vacation

Warm, sunny, sandy beach, waves rolling in and slapping the shore in that rhythmic song, laying on a beach chair with a good book in hand. This has always been my idea of vacation and when we planned our trip to Florida this winter I had this in mind- HA! I am still new to this parenting thing and somehow thought that vacationing with my family would be the same as my ideal vacation- wrong again! When I tell you that I had 20 minutes to myself the whole 10 days we were gone I am NOT kidding. I now realize that family vacation means that we do everything for the kids or that we think the kids will like and maybe, just maybe try and sneak in doing something we like to do without a tantrum. I cooked, cleaned, did laundry and took care of the kids only not in my house but 1500 miles away in our very small trailer. On our way home the thought that kept me going was that I was going to rent a room at The Grand Hotel the night we got home- just for ME- No one touching me or calling me or asking me to do anything. Ahhhhh but it was just a dream.



We awoke every morning to either roosters crowing, lions roaring or trains going by. I guess sleeping in is out of the question- oh did I mention that Liam decided he didn't like to sleep anymore and was up on and off all night- I got more sleep when he was a newborn. I am by no means a mother that cares if my kid cries it out but being nestled between two trailers I felt bad for the other campers having to listen to my kid cry- I mean someone should have a good night's sleep. Overall we had a great time and I am sure when I look back on this in, oh... about ten years I will laugh about it instead of cringe or cry.



so The Keys were nice but really not geared for kids-thankfully our campground had a pool and hot tub that the kids enjoyed. I am not going to lie- I was jealous when we went to Key West for a "family day" and saw all the other smart people who left their kids behind and were enjoying hanging out in the bars. Instead I enjoyed a tour of an aquarium. We did have lunch at Jimmy Buffet's Margaritaville but Olivia decided to have a tantrum which made enjoying my rum punch impossible. My solace was my walk through the Coach outlet ALONE. I walked in and took in the smell of the fabric, the leather... the rich. Even at the outlet the least expensive bag was over a $100. Do you know how many diapers and wipes that can buy?! Maybe another time- goodbye old friend...



5 days later we pulled into our campsite at Lion Country Safari near West Palm Beach. Now when they tell you that you may wake to the roaring of Lions they are not kidding! At first Bill told me it had to be a tape being played- the sounds of the safari-but the next morning when I heard the lions and their trainers banging on metal drums I knew it was real. We rented a van at the park to drive through the animal park. As the speed limit was 5 miles an hour we did not bring the car seats. At the entrance they give you a tape to play that describes the animals. Bill is driving and I am sitting in the back holding Liam with Olivia sitting next to me. Bill and I are looking at the animals, listening to the tape- Liam is oblivious and doesn't stop wiggling around and all Olivia wants to do is play with the seat belts. Bill shuts off the tape and we make our way through the animal park- Ostriches are pecking at our car, lions staring us down and I swear the monkeys were laughing at us. After an hour we come to the end and Olivia is still hard at work buckling and unbuckling her seat belt... whatever.



The next day we venture to the walk through park- as we don't have a car we have to walk the 1/2 mile to the Safari Park. So we load up the big double stroller and the single stroller with our stuff for the day, kids included and make our way their. The park was perfectly geared for Olivia. She had a blast feeding some of the animals, going on rides and enjoyed the little water park. We started our walk back to the campground at around 3pm. Liam was sleeping and Olivia decided she wanted to walk. Well let me tell you walking a 1/2 a mile with a two year old will take you forever... It is humid and buggy out (and I am very tired of being eaten alive by no-see-ums). Bill and I are getting cranky. A truck is coming up behind us and as we move over to the side of the road- one bag on the stroller drops and spills all over and then another- Bill is trying to pick it all up but it drops again. I am so tired that all I can do is laugh, which just frustrates Bill more. I laugh harder, not really meaning to but I am just soooo tired that I can't stop. Bill finally picks up everything and stomps away leaving Olivia and I to walk by ourselves back to camp.



The next day we are off to see Bill's brother and his wife in central Florida, near Tampa. We get to the camp ground which is conveniently located across the street from his brother's apartment complex but for lack of a better word... is a hole. As the escort takes us to our site we pass a sign that says "beware of alligators"- WHAT?! We were originally going to walk back and forth to Casey and Leah's but I made Bill go get Casey's car. Oh did I mention that the hot water heater stopped working.... ha,ha,ha,ha.... I am so delirious that I don't even care. Thankfully Casey and Leah have a beautiful garden tub that we can bathe the kids and shower in. But wouldn't you know it, the glorious hot water that I have been longing for only makes the bug bites worse and I stand in the shower scratching away... ahhhh it feels so good. Poor Olivia looks like she is recovering from the chicken pox!



Well wouldn't ya know it, the Florida State Fair in Tampa had just started before we got there... yeeha! Actually I planned our whole vacation around this- Fair food in the middle of winter; awesome!- sausage and peppers, roasted corn, any kind of BBQ you can imagine and my favorite fried Oreos! I was appalled to see fried butter on the menu and could not bring myself to try it. I also witnessed the most delicious but disgusting cheeseburger being cooked- burger, cheese, bacon and as the bun- a grilled Krispie Kreme donut. I should have tried it but I had just finished eating a pig's leg and was full- go figure- the next food booth is always the best. Any who, after a good day at the fair, a nice shower, a little Super Bowl watching we were off to bed. We wanted an early start to our drive home.... our vacation had come to an end (would it be awful if I said finally?! I know it sounds like I am complaining but I am very appreciative that we are fortunate enough to go on vacation for 2 weeks in the middle of winter. It's just sometimes you have to be careful what you wish for...)



We are on our way home and guess what, the generator is working! I bring some leftovers from Casey and Leah's for lunch and when we stop I get everything ready to start microwaving. I really only need the generator to work for 5 minutes. Bill starts her up and I get the bacon and toast going for my BLT. Well apparently I should have known better than to run the microwave and toaster at the same time because the generator just couldn't handle it. Again, I have had it and swear that I am not going to eat anything the whole trip home. I stomp outside to pout and Bill restarts the generator again and again until it finally is going. He makes lunch as I just sit on the couch and sulk. I want to go home, I want to go home...



We are back on the road in South Carolina and I am trying to take a nap when of course Olivia has to go to the bathroom. I quickly get her out of her seat and sit her on the toilet. I hear the sound of the Ol RV moving along the rumble strips on the side of the road and whip my head out of the bathroom.



"what the hell are you doing?!"



"we are getting pulled over."



"Olivia, you need to stop peeing right NOW!"



I hustle her back into her car seat just before the officer approaches the trailer (on the passenger's side). I kid you not when I tell you that this cop resembled Officer Farva from Super Troopers and Bill had to hold in a laugh when he saw him. Officer Farva asked Bill for his license and registration and to get out of the vehicle. Are you kidding me?! Bill finally comes back with a ticket in his had- WTF! Bill informs me that it is just a warning notice for not using his blinker when changing lanes (btw, Bill always uses his blinker so this was pure BS) Bill said Farva asked him a million questions including if we had anything illegal in our RV- yeah buddy- it's a moving meth lab. Did he really have nothing better to do than to pull us over- I have never seen an RV pulled over- only us.



We finally reach our destination for the night- a campground in Emporia, Virginia. We get settled and just as I am about to drift off to sleep a freaking train goes by blaring its horn. ARRGGG! It went by again at 5:30am but at least I was already up getting ready for our final drive home.



10 hours later we arrived home and I was euphoric! Space, lots of space... Bill off in one direction, Olivia off in another, Liam on the floor happily playing and me just putzing around.



Vacation is nice but there's no place like home....

Camping 101

When Bill and I purchased our motor home I had no idea what was in store for us. Alot of camping at a beach was my only request. I figured the motor home would provide us with a less expensive way to travel more often, more relaxation and more time together. It turns out, just like everything in else in life, camping requires work and money. So for the second time we have purchased a Money Pit only this time it didn't come with "weak trees" it came with a generator that didn't work, a tow dolly that scratched the crap out of our van (which we ended up selling after only one use) and too much togetherness. I endured the endless redneck jokes and RV humor and replay the Griswold's Christmas Vacation in my head over and over again.... Shitter's full. None the less our Ol' RV has brought us to a new chapter in our life together as a family...



Two young kids + our trusty ol' RV + a 24 hour ride to Florida (split up over 3 days) = adventure, right? If you say so. We hit the highway at 5am.





5:15am





"Are we there yet?"





"Not yet Liv. It's gonna be a little while."





Our first destination was South of the Border Campground in South Carolina- a 12 hour ride but with the kids it turned into 14 very looooonnnnngggg hours. Every stop to get gas or coffee turned into a 1/2 hour ordeal.





"Olivia you need to get back in your seat."





"No."





"Yes or we can't go to Florida."





"Fine. I don't want to go."





"Well we are going- Now get back in your seat!"





And it never failed, just like at home, as soon as I sat down....





"Mooommy, I need you."





"Of Course you do."





About two hours into the trip I just happen to ask Bill If he had put the step up outside the side door- we both quickly check the side mirror- oops! It was an act of God that we didn't tear it off going through the toll booths. Bill credits his expert driving skills. I just think God didn't want to test us when we were so close to home and could turn around.





Around noon we stopped to eat lunch. I had made prepared some meals ahead of time so we could save some money along the way. I start microwaving my lunch and realize the microwave is not working. Bill turns on the generator but no luck. He checks the fuses still nothing. Now we are both starring at the microwave, pressing buttons, banging on it while Olivia is running around in the trailer and Liam is crying.





Son of a ..... Okay McDonald's it is.





I am finally trying to relax on the couch and watch Cinderella....





"RaeAnn, can you come up here."





"Open the window and push out that side mirror please. All I can see are my own balls."





And going down the highway at 70 miles an hour do you know how many times I had to push that mirror out- A LOT! Bill finally stuck a twig in it on one of our many stops along the way. Worked like a charm.





Back on the road for another couple of hours and we stop at a rest stop in Virginia. I get out, use the restroom and on my way back to the trailer I am intercepted by this homely looking woman. She is wringing her hands and rambling on about needing to get home but her car broke down and she used the last of her money to fix it and she does have a cell phone but she has no family that will help her and she has never had to ask for any help before blah, blah, blah. I must have a sign on my forehead that says sucker and give her a whopping $3- hey I did my good deed for the day.





Back on the road. I am tired, cranky, Bill and I are snapping at each other and my digestive tract is not good due to all the fast food. I ask Bill to find an exit with something other than McDonald's, Wendy's or Burger King for dinner. We stop and Bill takes my order for Quiznos- Large mesquite chicken sandwhich, with extra cheese- hold the dressing please. He brings me back my sandwhich, which we are going to share, and starts driving. I am left standing in the back trying to find the russian dressing in the refidgerator as Bill goes around the ramp and juice boxes, ketchup, salad and soda cans start flying out at me! Are you kidding me.





"Where is the Russian Dressing?!"





"In the regrigerator."





Arrgggg!





I locate the dressing and finally get everything loaded back in the fridge, open my sandwhich to apply the dressing and..... what is this?! extra chicken and no cheese. I have had it! I crumple up the the whole thing and throw it in the garbage.





"Did you just throw out that sandwhich?"





my lack of response answers his questions. I lay on the couch, cover myself with my snuggie and pretend this trip is not happening.





Finally at South of the Border- Bill sleeps with Olivia on the couch and Liam and I sleep in the bed.





We wake to an uneventful morning- thank you Jesus and are back on the road. The rest of South Carolina, Georgia and finally Florida....





I 95 in Dayton Flordia- a fire truck goes flying by everyone, then police cars. All the police cars get in front of all four lanes of traffic and start slowing us down. We are the second vehicle in in the second lane from the right. Right before the LPGA Blvd. overpass the cops stop and reroute us off the exit and then back onto I 95. There are people stopped all along the entrance ramp back on I 95, some with cameras. We can see a line of police cars on the overpass. Bill and I are pondering back and forth about what the hell is going on (at one point Bill told me to check the internet for Obama's Itinary to see if he was passing through to go to the Dayton 500) we were thankful we that we were not stuck in the line of traffic that has to merge from 4 lanes to 1 to get off the exit- thank you lady from the Virginia rest stop for boosting my Karma- no good deed goes unnoticed. Come to find out they closed the overpass because of a potential jumper. Only we would encounter this- all kidding aside, thankfully the police talked the man down but I am sure a lot of the travelers sitting in traffic wanted to kill him.





Our destination for this day is a rest stop in southern Florida (mile marker 106 in case anyone needs a good rest area- this one was huge) anyway, we stop and start the generator to use the air conditioning because it is so hot and humid out.





VROOM.... VROOM.... VROOM goes the generator





then it starts fluctuating... VROOM, vroom, VROOM, vroom then nothing.





Bill goes outside to manually start it... VROOM, VROOM, VROOM... thank you baby Jesus





He gets back inside and the generator makes a last VROOM and putters off.





Son of a....





There is no way we can sleep in this camper with no air. I am having hot flashes just thinking about it. Opening the windows was out of the question because only Florida has they beautiful little bugs called 'no see ums'. You may not be able to see them but you feel them biting you. We call around to local campgrounds off 95 but they are all booked (one attendant told Bill that he should have planned in advance.... Let's just say that conversation did not end well). We decide that we are going to leave the good Ol' RV (which Bill first informs me that he is going to sell when we get home and then tells me he is going to burn it once we get to the Florida Keys and fly home) running all night with the cab AC on. We get the kids all settled but Liam and Olivia are still up. Bill is too frustrated to sleep so back in the car seats the kids go and off we go.





"Where are we going?"





"I don't care if we drive the rest of the way tonight." (It is another 4 hours to our campground in the Florida Keys and it is already 10:30pm)





"But check in at the campground is not until 11am."





"So we will park out front and wait."





okay, I am done talking to Mr. Unreasonable and try to locate an exit that has coffee. (btw to any campers out there- the book The Next Exit is fabulous for locating food, gas and lodgings off any main highway in the US- only $15 on Amazon!) I find a rest stop that has a dunckin donuts and Bill gets a little giddyup in his step. Both kids are sleeping and this is the best driving we have had all trip. We get there and Bill is taking awhile to come back to Old Faithful. He finally gets back and tells me that people are incompetent everywhere. Apparently someone had filled the napkin dispenser with napkins but going the wrong way so I can only imagine Bill in there trying frantically to get one napkin out while cursing the poor bastard who filled it. (now he knows what it is like to try to pull toilet paper out of a dispenser in a woman's room).





On the road again, ohhhh on the road again....





We opt to take the Florida Turnpkie instead of I95 through Fort Lauderdale and Miami as it is a little less crazy. The Next Exit Book does not cover this highway and I am feeling a little uneasy. I don't know where we are or where I can tell Bill to stop. I remember my in laws mentioning a Wal-Mart right off the turnpike before Rt.1 which lead to The Keys. I persuade Bill to stop there as we are both exhausted. Bill wants to get gas first, since we have to run the RV all night for the AC. As we are driving around to find a gas station that is open I am just not getting a good feeling about this town. We make our way to the Wal-Mart. Garbage flying around, carts everywhere, I want to go home..... but wait... could it be... a camper's haven....





A make shift RV park at your local Wal-Mart, security included. There were about a dozen campers parked in one corner of the Wal-Mart parking lot and a security car right infront of them-yeah! We found a spot and hunkered down for the night.





The next morning as we awake Olivia seeing the other campers around asks if we are at the our campground in Florida.

Conveniently located at a grocery store I decided to get some last minute items. If you see me on the next round of People of Walmart let me know because I was looking oh so pretty as I entered the Wal-mart- so much so that the greeter did not greet me. Anyway, two hours later and we finally arrive at the KOA in SugarLoaf Key! Finally... running water, electric, cable- this is the good life.I am finally starting to relax when what to my wondering eyes should appear but 8 tiny springbreakers. So our camp site is nestled between two permanent campers that the campground rents out. And what luck- they put the good ol' family truckster in between spring break 2010! Girls in bikinis, guys with wave runners and motor boats all hooting and hollering and speaking nothing but spanish. They are arriving by the car load and setting up tents next to their trailers.



Are you freakin' kidding me?!!



In true spring break fashion they waste little time in their trailers and tents and head to the pool side bar. Fine by us. We decide that we will give them one night before we complain. But alas we didn't have to. Turns out there were 19 of them all together and they only paid for 12 people. Management moved them and their tent city to the back of the campground. (unfortunately when alcohol and any moving vehicle is involved there is bound to be an accident. One of the boys was on his wave runner, going way too fast, got caught in the current and hit the conceret support of a bridge. The last we heard he was air lifted to Miami Hospital).



Cock-a-doodle-do.... Cock-a-doodle-do....



What the hell- a rooster?! oh you betcha- lots of them because apparently it is illegal to kill roosters here so they just wonder all around. Bill jokes that he has never seen so much cock before. Ha... Ha....Ha.... I am not amused. At least it is sunny and warm the day we arrive and we can go to the beach. Did I mention that it is supposed to rain for the majority our vacation- Sunshine State my ass.



"This is camping." Bill repeats his new mantra.

Anxiety

"Do you think I have a brain tumor?"









"yeah- not likely." Billy answers my insane question.









However, I am sure I have one because my head hurts. Sure, sure you are thinking it is probably just a headache and any sane person would but my burden to bare in this life is anxiety. So sometimes my irrational thoughts take over and I become a crazy hypochondriac.









hot flash = passing out









pain in my leg = blood clot









muscle spasm in my chest = pulmonary embolism









pain in my shoulder = lung cancer









shaky hands = Parkinson's














But most often I am very conscious of any pains on my left side because I am certain I will have a heart attack or stroke. ( I used to carry a card in my wallet with the signs and symptoms of both and keep a stash of baby aspirin around too).









I don't know where I get these ideas- actually I am a person that should not be looking things up on Web MD because symptoms of minor aches and pains can come back with the possible diagnosis of life threatening diseases that I then need to go and research. Hell my doctor doesn't even give me my test results anymore- he just has the receptionist tell me I am fine.









Anxiety attacks are mysterious at times, they can come on suddenly and if you are not aware of what is happening can very easily take you down. (did you know that caffeine exacerbates anxiety or that your subconscious can trigger an attack even if things in your life are going well?)









Today I took Liam to the grocery store to finish up last minute shopping before our vacation. I knew before I left the house that I was feeling "funny". Anyone who has never experienced an anxiety attack it is very hard to explain. It is not just shortness of breath, tightening in your chest or tingling sensation in hands or throughout your body it is a state of mind that something is seriously wrong with an impending sense of doom. I should have just known better and stayed home but I have been living my life with this since I was 21 and am not going to let it control me. I know how to do the relaxation breathing and self talk myself down. However, today it just came on too fast and there I am in the cereal aisle having those frightful feelings. I called Bill who tried to hit me with reality and put things in perspective. I made it to the checkout. Someone in front of me and someone now behind me. I felt trapped. I started sweating, my breathing was irregular. I started to do my deep breathing exercises and focus on Liam but my anxiety continued. I had the flight response and thought immediately that I should tell someone that I was not feeling well. No, no I told myself I can do this but by the time I was checking out my hands were shaking so severely and I could barely whisper to the cashier that I was not feeling well. They ushered me to a bench but I could just not get control of myself. They were asking me if I was diabetic because my hands were so visibily shaking and if I needed something to eat. I kept saying that I was having trouble breathing and focusing but I knew that I was breathing because I was talking. (my mind trying to tell my body that I was okay). My initial thought was, poor Liam- I am just trying to be a good mom and oh man, Bill is not gonna be happy. The manager came over and called 911. Great- here comes my boys in blue. By the time the ambulance got there I was starting to feel better. Blood pressure and heart rate checked and I was calming down. Poor Bill comes rushing down with Olivia. My worst fear has always been that something terrible will happen to me when no one will be there to take care of my kids. I have had panic attacks in front of Olivia and done my breathing, telling her that mommy just doesn't feel well. My little angel just sat next to me and rubbed my arm and told me, "it will be okay mommy." What a horrible feeling to have your daughter have to comfort you. I hate knowing that my kids will see me like this and worry that they may be genetically prone to Panic Disorder. I feel terrible that I have gotten everyone all excited over something I should have been able to control. But I have come to realize that it happens and I am not ashamed or embarrassed by it. However, I often feel guilty for having to put my friends and family through my irrational thinking and difficult behavior. But they love me and for better or worse this is me. It is a learning process of how to handle it- self-help books, therapy, medication. Before I was diagnosed with Panic Attacks do you know how many times I was in the ER- well let's just say that I am glad I have health insurance. I want to say thank you to all of the emergency personnel that have every had to deal with me because I know how frustrating it must be to make someone who truly believes they are dying believe they are okay.









My mother always told us that what happens in your family, stays in the family- sorry mom, my dirty laundry is all hanging out. I guess I just want anyone else who has ever experienced a panic attack to know that I feel for you. I am thankful that I don't have cancer or a brain tumor, haven't suffered a heart attack or stroke but Panic Disorder is real and scary with lots of physical symptoms.









Don't worry I am not turning this into a self-help blog- just needed to share.

An Uphill Battle

I begin vacuuming the house, an almost daily chore at this point, and come to a stubborn piece of dirt that just won't get sucked up. I turn the vacuum this way and that but no luck. You know what's coming... I bend over, pick up the piece of dirt, examine it like something was wrong with it that the vacuum rejected it only to drop it back on the floor, on purpose so... Alas, the vacuum can suck it up! Why is this so gratifying? Why didn't I just throw the dirt in the garbage- I already had it in my hand? I will tell you why, because it is my personal victory, my "I got you now, you little piece of dirt" moment. Sounds like I need to get my frustrations out?



You betcha!


These small victories are a parent's highlight to the daily grind of raising children. And by parent I mean mothers because let's face it- a father's victory is starting off the day with a good BM, which they have to tell you about, having someone else cook and clean for him, getting sex and then ending the day with one of the many movies men consider classics- Cliffhanger, Roadhouse or Backdraft. (All three movies were on the other day, overlapping each other and I thought Bill was going to stroke out trying to decide which one to watch).



I am lucky if I can go to the bathroom with the door closed, drink one cup a coffee at one time (I usually heat up my coffee an average of 3 times each morning), take a shower, get myself appropriately dressed- (not sweats) and manage to catch a recap of the daily news on the radio as I am driving here or there.



Here are some situations that I thought I was winning the losing battle but apparently I am still the biggest loser:


Cleaning the house is one of the things that makes me happy- not the actual cleaning part but afterwards knowing that everything is clean and in its place but again with two kids how long does that last... 1, 2, 3 minutes at best. The other day I had finished vacuuming- I walk back into the living room to see pieces of chips strewn EVERYWHERE!



"Olivia- what are you doing?!"



"Daddy said I could have them."


URGGGGG!



Got into the shower after a busy morning- finally got the kids situated in my bed, watching Nick Jr.- I know, I know- TV for my 7 month old- I am not going for mother of the year here, so back off. Anyway, get into the nice hot shower and start shampooing my hair...


"mooommy, I have to poop."



"Of course you do."





Going to the grocery store with NO kids- that in it of itself is a personal victory. For a bonus I have my coupons and save $30! I get home, all proud of myself and as I am putting things away realize that I forgot this and that and this- pretty much $30 worth of stuff.




Actually planning out an outfit to wear, including jewelry, doing my hair and thinking I look good for that day. I get where I am going and happen to pass some mirror somewhere and do a double take.... was that me? Oh... My.... God! I did not look like that at home. However, that could have something to do with the fact that I had no time to check myself out before I left the house. I just had that picture in my mind how I looked, which was good but apparently... not so much!




Speaking of getting out of the house- that is a personal victory every time it happens. I am usually the last to get ready. Liam first, because he can't talk back to me or run away yet. Then Olivia- underwear, shirt, pants, socks and sneakers. I finally get ready and head towards the door...


"Olivia! Where are your shoes, socks and pants?!"



Each personal victory makes the climb up the mountain of motherhood a little easier- even when the victory is short lived.

The Grocery Store

Picture it: Poughkeepsie, January 2010 a young girl in a blue dress walks with her shopping cart...

I must be a glutton for punishment because 1. I decide to go to Stop and Shop with my two kids and 2. I allowed Olivia to go to the store dressed in her blue Cinderella outfit, wand included with her toy shopping cart. Let the games begin...



I have Liam in his car seat in my shopping cart (not cradled in the front of the cart- that just makes me nervous) and Liv has her baby doll sitting shotgun in her cart next to her magic wand, bag of gold fish and water cup. Thankfully it is mid week, mid day and the store is fairly empty and I only need a few things. We begin our shopping. At first fellow shoppers are smiling and saying, "how cute" until Olivia, who is busy looking all around plows her shopping cart into a display stand and packages of napkins go flying. I quickly hurry to pick them up when a store attendant comes to my aid. I apologize and explain that I figured it would keep her busy. The store attendant is looking back at me like I am a real genius. Thanks.





What did I get myself into...





We continue on. I remind Olivia that she needs to look forward, steer her cart and keep close to me. I go down the aisles picking up what I need while keeping one eye on Olivia. She continues to look around while pushing her cart and I have lost count of how many times she has hit into something. At one point she banged into the end of the aisle and the cart went crashing over, Olivia fell to the floor, the magic wand was ejected from the cart as were all the goldfish- flying in different directions and her water cup went rolling down the aisle. Thankfully her baby doll stayed securely in her cart. Now crying, I scoop her up, upright the cart, try to pick up as many goldfish as I can and stuff them in my pockets while nonchalantly sweeping the rest of them into a pile at the end of the aisle and grab her cup and wand. Of Course now she wants her snack but the goldfish have gone belly up so we head back to the snack aisle to avoid another tantrum. We finally make it to the checkout (after a trip to the bathroom, another roll over of her cart and several stops to empty her cart of things she so nicely picked out herself). Poor Liam, I think he is still in the cart, somewhere between the cat food and milk. I shuffle Olivia ahead of me and she asks to help put the groceries in bags. I agree but ask her to wait until I get the stuff out of the cart. As I am doing so, I see a store attendant come over to start bagging the groceries- NOOOOOO! Good God Man- I am so close to getting out of here without a tantrum. I quickly explain that my daughter likes to help bag the groceries- so he hands her a bag full of groceries to put in her cart. She looks at him and then at me....



crying ensues.





"mooommy I want to put the stuff in the bags".



"I know huni" as I give the attendant the evil eye.





Now Liam starts crying.



GREAT!



I start putting stuff down for Olivia to put in her bag while throwing stuff in bags and trying to then position those bags strategically in the cart so as not to suffocate Liam. $200! What the hell did I buy and did I even get anything on my list- Finally heading to the door and into the parking lot. I pick up Olivia and her cart and push my cart- well wouldn't you know it, right in the middle of the parking lot- I hit a bump and two of my bags on the bottom of the cart jump ship.



I should have just planned on ordering out for every meal for the next week.

Two Kids

About a month prior to Liam's birth I really started to realize how different my life was going to be with two children. Olivia could walk, talk, feed herself and was starting to potty train. I had also gotten some other freedoms back like my purse instead of stuffing my wallet and other purse paraphernalia into an already cramped diaper bag. The pain of impending labor was not scaring me it was the thought of getting out of the house with two kids. Flashbacks of getting out of the house with a new baby-between feedings, changings and naps plus the aches and pains of my body from carrying the infant car seat and over packed diaper bag came flooding back. Let's just veer off track for a second and talk about the diaper bag- I don't know about anyone else but I always over pack and the diaper bag is no exception: extra clothes for baby and for me ( I learned the hard way that breastfeeding moms should always pack an extra shirt- 4th of July party after Olivia was born and my sister looked at me with eyes wide open. I looked down to see that the right side of my shirt was soaked. Thank God it was raining out so it could have looked like I had gotten wet. I quickly put a receiving blanket over my right side and made a bee line for the car), pacifiers, diaper cream, wipes, diapers, hand wipes, thermometer, infant Tylenol, nail clippers, nail files, bibs, burb cloth, blanket, disposable bags for dirty diapers, band-aids, Neosporin and tissues. But let's face it, whatever is in there that we think we are going to use, we never use. But heaven forbid you forget to pack something you will need it- the one day I didn't pack an extra outfit for Olivia she pooped all over and I had to strip her down in the dressing room of Old Navy, swaddle her in a blanket and go purchase an outfit. Now being a first time mother I had nightmares that she would break out with a rash because I was putting these new clothes on her fragile baby body without washing them first. Ha! All was fine and she ended up with a very cute new outfit. Anyway, where was I.... oh yes, going out with two kids. Well little Liam was born and things were going surprisingly well. He was/is a great baby and easy going. One day I decided it was time to venture out to the mall. I packed us all up in the car and drove to Macy's. Double stroller out, kids in and off we went to return something. Back to the car to drive around to Target. I am feeling pretty accomplished- Liam is still sleeping, Olivia is content with her snack. I hop out of the car in the Target parking lot, open the back door and reach in for... Where the hell is the double stroller! I just had it. I frantically look around as if it is already out- well it was- left behind in the Macy's parking lot. Shit! I get back in, double checking to make sure both kids were in the car and drove like a maniac back around the mall. As I am pulling in to the Macy's parking lot I see a man walking my double stroller towards the entrance to the store- "Wait!" I pull up to the curb- almost onto it and run out of the car yelling, "sir, sir that is my stroller!" He smiled and wheeled it back to me.


"I figured someone forgot it the way it was just sitting in the middle of the parking lot."



I laugh and hurry back to the car to hide my sheer mortification of the situation.



And back home I went.



Later that afternoon Bill comes home from work and asks how my day went. Olivia quickly answers, "mommy forgot the stroller in the parking lot."



Tattle tale!

The Gym

Wine in my water bottle, a cigarette in hand, on my laptop facebooking away with an open bag on Doritos next to me... of course I am wearing the sweatsuit and sneakers I bought to go to the gym but really- they are not looking for people like me; or are they...



My attempt at the gym starts with the poster on the door that reads, "getting here is half the battle" (okay, I'm here- can I sit down, the walk from my car to the door was exhausting). And let's talk about the smell- just pure sweat- so far the only glimmer of hope is the snack bar I spot out of the corner of my eye. Sadly, I am informed there are no nachos and cheese or bags of chips just something called protein shakes and any kind of bran product you can think of. So I push forward, up the stairs (where are the elevators) off to the track.



Okay, I can walk, I do it all day long- back and forth in the house. I start walking and BOOM, BOOM, BOOM- there go the runners- overachievers! Anyway, here I am on my way to good health, happiness, a thin me and all that BS they try to sell you when you get sucked in to a gym membership. Apparently I believed this because here I am. Walking, walking...one lap then two, then three- hey I can do this until my sister says, "okay you warmed up?"

Warmed up?! For what...



We hit the treadmills. I get a good pace going at 2.5 miles per hour. My sister starts running- 6 miles per hour- oh well, I can step it up- 2.8 here I come. Great, here comes little miss thin mint on the other side of me. But she is only walking too- I glance over. 3.5 mph- oh Jesus. Fine I'll step it up- 3.3mph. I can do that. 3 minutes in I feel the need to check my heart rate- 120! It hasn't been that high since labor! I am really working up a sweat- I'm doing great! I look at how many calories I've burned- 30 calories. I don't think I've burned off a breath mint let alone the McDonald's value meal I had for lunch. Okay, keep going- all I can think is what am I gonna eat for dinner- pork chops, mashed potatoes and Oreos for dessert- sounds good to me.



I make it through 30 minutes of "cardio" and my sister insists on crunches. Listen, two kids later and this baby belly is as permanent as my tattoos- but fine. So I do a set of 10, then another and another. I try to get up and lay back down. I tell my sister to leave me behind. When did a healthy, vital 20 something become an aching 30 something? ouch.

I finally pick myself up and we head home.



"So we'll go again on Wednesday?"



"Sure. What Wednesday next year do you want to go..."

Public Restrooms

Being the mother of two young children I now look at public restrooms differently- germ-o-rama. Now I should preface this by saying that public restrooms have never really bothered me- many a drunken night at a bar or deperately needing to pee every five minutes when I was pregnant- there was no time to put the paper toilet cover on, or plaster the seat with toilet paper like my mom used to do when I was young and hovering- yeah, well when you weigh an extra 20 plus pounds with a baby sitting on your bladder I think that is just ridiculous. Anyway, now that I am older and wiser (maybe not, maybe just care more about what my children are touching) the trip to the bathroom starts when we enter the store.



"mommy, I have to pee".



"of course you do".



mind you she has used the bathroom at home right before we left.



I head the big double stroller towards the bathroom repeating over and over again, "don't touch anything, don't touch anything".



Now attempting to open the door to the bathroom and maneuver my double stroller inside is a feat in it of itself. (oh and when it is in the middle of winter and we are all bundled up that is the best- I am now sweating and we haven't even been out of the house for a full hour yet!) so we make it to the biggest of the handicap toilets, which still doesn't want to accomodate my double stroller so I push it in as far as it will go, door still ajar and proceed to look for the paper toilet cover to which there are none (of course). I reach my hand up the toilet paper wheel because of course there is no toilet paper hanging down and start to pull off sheets of paper, what I think are sheets but are just shreds. By now my daughter is starting to wander around the stall and I am still saying, "don't touch anything, don't touch anything". I decide to hover her over the toilet and out comes one tiny drop- "I'm all done mommy".



"of course you are".



I maneuver the stroller out of the stall and help Olivia wash her hands. The sinks are those that you place your hands under and water automatically comes out- fabulous! except I picked the one freakin' sink that is broken and Olivia and I are frantically waving our hands under the spout with no water coming out. Still holding her up in front of me, I shuffle us down to another sink where luckily the water pours out but no soap in the dispenser! I finally just give her some hand sanitizer and a paper towel and call it a day. Done right? No I still have to get the luxury cruiser out of the bathroom. I open the door with my butt (thank goodness for the extra padding- comes in handy) and pull the stroller out while a woman is waiting to come in to the bathroom- do you think she could hold the door for me. NO! good for you lady, stand there looking annoyed while I have just completed the ultimate mom marathon. Thanks. By this time I have no idea what store I am in or what I came for.



As a side note I would like to offer this suggestion to the engineers that design these bathrooms: could you make all the the features in the bathroom hands free- the toilet should automatically flush, the soap should dispense when you place your hands under it, same with the water and either a hand blower that you do not have to touch or a paper towel dispenser you wave to- I really like those. Then as a final touch could you put a door in that you have to push out so when you exit you don't have to touch the handle. I have yet to find a bathroom with all of these features together and I have pretty much visited all of them in Dutchess County between pregnancy and potty training. It does me no good to put soap on my hands and turn on the faucet and then turn it off, only to push the lever on the paper towel dispenser and then pull the handle of the door.

Thank you Purell.