Anxiety

"Do you think I have a brain tumor?"









"yeah- not likely." Billy answers my insane question.









However, I am sure I have one because my head hurts. Sure, sure you are thinking it is probably just a headache and any sane person would but my burden to bare in this life is anxiety. So sometimes my irrational thoughts take over and I become a crazy hypochondriac.









hot flash = passing out









pain in my leg = blood clot









muscle spasm in my chest = pulmonary embolism









pain in my shoulder = lung cancer









shaky hands = Parkinson's














But most often I am very conscious of any pains on my left side because I am certain I will have a heart attack or stroke. ( I used to carry a card in my wallet with the signs and symptoms of both and keep a stash of baby aspirin around too).









I don't know where I get these ideas- actually I am a person that should not be looking things up on Web MD because symptoms of minor aches and pains can come back with the possible diagnosis of life threatening diseases that I then need to go and research. Hell my doctor doesn't even give me my test results anymore- he just has the receptionist tell me I am fine.









Anxiety attacks are mysterious at times, they can come on suddenly and if you are not aware of what is happening can very easily take you down. (did you know that caffeine exacerbates anxiety or that your subconscious can trigger an attack even if things in your life are going well?)









Today I took Liam to the grocery store to finish up last minute shopping before our vacation. I knew before I left the house that I was feeling "funny". Anyone who has never experienced an anxiety attack it is very hard to explain. It is not just shortness of breath, tightening in your chest or tingling sensation in hands or throughout your body it is a state of mind that something is seriously wrong with an impending sense of doom. I should have just known better and stayed home but I have been living my life with this since I was 21 and am not going to let it control me. I know how to do the relaxation breathing and self talk myself down. However, today it just came on too fast and there I am in the cereal aisle having those frightful feelings. I called Bill who tried to hit me with reality and put things in perspective. I made it to the checkout. Someone in front of me and someone now behind me. I felt trapped. I started sweating, my breathing was irregular. I started to do my deep breathing exercises and focus on Liam but my anxiety continued. I had the flight response and thought immediately that I should tell someone that I was not feeling well. No, no I told myself I can do this but by the time I was checking out my hands were shaking so severely and I could barely whisper to the cashier that I was not feeling well. They ushered me to a bench but I could just not get control of myself. They were asking me if I was diabetic because my hands were so visibily shaking and if I needed something to eat. I kept saying that I was having trouble breathing and focusing but I knew that I was breathing because I was talking. (my mind trying to tell my body that I was okay). My initial thought was, poor Liam- I am just trying to be a good mom and oh man, Bill is not gonna be happy. The manager came over and called 911. Great- here comes my boys in blue. By the time the ambulance got there I was starting to feel better. Blood pressure and heart rate checked and I was calming down. Poor Bill comes rushing down with Olivia. My worst fear has always been that something terrible will happen to me when no one will be there to take care of my kids. I have had panic attacks in front of Olivia and done my breathing, telling her that mommy just doesn't feel well. My little angel just sat next to me and rubbed my arm and told me, "it will be okay mommy." What a horrible feeling to have your daughter have to comfort you. I hate knowing that my kids will see me like this and worry that they may be genetically prone to Panic Disorder. I feel terrible that I have gotten everyone all excited over something I should have been able to control. But I have come to realize that it happens and I am not ashamed or embarrassed by it. However, I often feel guilty for having to put my friends and family through my irrational thinking and difficult behavior. But they love me and for better or worse this is me. It is a learning process of how to handle it- self-help books, therapy, medication. Before I was diagnosed with Panic Attacks do you know how many times I was in the ER- well let's just say that I am glad I have health insurance. I want to say thank you to all of the emergency personnel that have every had to deal with me because I know how frustrating it must be to make someone who truly believes they are dying believe they are okay.









My mother always told us that what happens in your family, stays in the family- sorry mom, my dirty laundry is all hanging out. I guess I just want anyone else who has ever experienced a panic attack to know that I feel for you. I am thankful that I don't have cancer or a brain tumor, haven't suffered a heart attack or stroke but Panic Disorder is real and scary with lots of physical symptoms.









Don't worry I am not turning this into a self-help blog- just needed to share.