Mommy Meltdown

Being stuck inside with two kids for 4 days of snowy, cold weather with no phone, cable or TV (at least we had electricity- I don't know how the families who had nothing survived. I can see why some animals eat their young) It was enough to send me right over the edge. The first two days didn't seem so bad- staying in pj's, playing in the snow, hot chocolate, watching movies, making arts and crafts but as day three came to an end I was out of ideas, energy and patience. Day 4 and I was determined to get out of the house- BY MYSELF. It took Bill a couple of hours to shovel, snowblow and plow us out. He then made his rounds around town helping out family and friends. Finally, at 11:30am I was ready to go. Bill informed me that he didn't really dig out my van but told me to "gun it" over the snow. Here I go on my way....

He didn't really dig out my van was an understatement- he did everything else EXCEPT dig out my car but my determination to get away was strong. I gunned it and moved about an inch. Reverse and then forward again, back and forth until all that is left is my wheels spinning, stuck in the snow! SON OF A ...

I am PISSED- yelling and cursing at no one as I walk back to the house to get a shovel. I open the door yell in "What were you thinking?! Gun it?!" and slam the door. I hustle back to the car and start digging it out. Bill goes to the window in Liam's room and starts banging on it. Now I can't really see him or hear him but I am assuming he is saying something. My blood pressure is rising and I am getting more angry that he hasn't already come out to help me. And apparently he can't open the window a smidge to talk to me. I yell at him that I can't hear him and to leave me alone. He finally opens the window and tells me to come in with the kids and he would dig out the car- NO WAY. I know that I am being irrational and mean but at this point I don't care. I am shoveling, crying, talking to myself-

"how stupid can he be. Just gun it he says, I just want a break, I deserve a break. I can't do this by myself (shovel and parent). Fine I will just not go anywhere- just back to bed. What an ass he is."

I finally realize that I am not really making any progress digging out. I am just throwing huge mounds of snow back onto the cleared off driveway. I storm inside, throwing my coat, hat and gloves off while announcing that I will just stay home. I run to my room and slam the door and throw myself on my bed (yes I can have a tantrum just as well, if not better than any 2 or 3 year old I know!) I take 5 minutes and collect myself and return to the living room. Olivia is still watching tv and Liam is playing happily in his bouncer but Bill has disappeared and I am guessing he went out to shovel my car out. He returns 15 minutes later and tells me to go. I grab my stuff and I am O-U-T- see ya later, arrivederci, goodbye!

As I whip out of the driveway I realize that I really don't know where I want to go. Well I need stamps so off to the post office I go- how exciting. I get my stamps and am starting to feel like a horrible wife, mother and person. I am torn- I feel selfish and ashamed of how I reacted but at the same time I felt like I deserved some time for me, which is very rare. When I do get some time (which is usually to go food shopping or run errands for the house or our family, not necessarily for me) I find that I am always rushing to get back home to the kids, like they are a burden on who ever is watching them, even when it is their own father. I wonder if that is a me thing or a mom thing? Anyway, my guilt running strong I pick up McDonald's for lunch for everyone, which is not good for my new diet but at this point.... the hell with it... then a Dunkin' Donuts coffee for Billy and return home with my "tail between my legs". Olivia could care less about my outburst and is thrilled with her happy meal. I apologize to Bill and give him his food and coffee as a peace offering but I have to add my two cents-

"Did you really think that the van was going to jump over the snow banks that were surrounding it?"

With his crooked little smile he replies, "I told you to gun it."

I love my husband and my kids. They are the best things to happen to me. I truly love being a stay at home mom. I love the smiles and laughter and chaos and dysfunction that occurs on a daily basis here. What I realize is that I love ME too and sometimes ME needs to recharge her batteries and get back to neutral (and a big glass of Merlot- I am talking HUGE) so that I can be the "best little wifey" and "mother of the year" and "humanitarian do-gooder" that I usually am .... or just somewhat functional- I say potato, you say potahto.