my panic attacks reached new levels almost rendering me unable to be alone- which then affected my relationship and patience with my children, husband, friends and family. I started to lose sight of what life is really about. My focus was trying to avoid the irrational fear that I was going to die at any moment or the fear of having a panic attack. Although I would be feeling fine, just thinking I might have one brought it to reality. However, I have slowly been getting back to myself and with eyes wide open, see and feel the moments that make my life so fulfilling:
Walking anywhere and having my daughter slip her hand into mine and look up at me and smile.
The first time my son said mama and looked right at me.
Olivia sleeping in my bed when daddy works at the firehouse.
Liam's smile- with his little dimple on his right cheek.
Waking up and bringing Olivia and Liam in my bed so we can drink juice boxes and eat goldfish while watching Sesame Street- "What's the word on the Street?"
My kids feet. I love them! so soft and perfect.
When Olivia says, "I love you mommy".
Liam crawling into my lap and only wanting his mama.
Olivia's sweet voice...even when she is whining or crying.
The quivering bottom lips my kids have right before they cry when they are sad or hurt.
My kids laughing- especially their devilish little laughs.
Olivia and Liam playing together.
The way my kids look like little cherubs when they sleep- so peaceful, so innocent... don't grow up, don't grow up...
The way my husband looks at me with his little smirk- telling me I am the most beautiful woman in the world.
My dad playing with my kids.
Finding pennies- A penny from heaven- my mother's way of letting me know that everything is okay.
My sister.
My friends.
"sisters through blood and sisters through life"
Camping- "Holla at you at Oprah's House and in the exam room".
The thought of fall- crisp air, beautiful foliage, football on TV, a chicken baking in the oven and apple pie for dessert.
Christmas time- decorating, baking, the first big snow storm, the anticipation of Christmas Day- the best is seeing it all through a child's eyes again.
County music songs- My wish, Godspeed, You're gonna miss this, Front porch looking in, Mama's song, In my daughter's eyes, Wasted, Don't Blink...
and It's five o'clock Somehwhere, cuz after you listen to all the lyrics of the above songs you are gonna need a drink!
The thought of the future and our family growing together.
But my most favorite moment is NOW... looking past all the laundry, cleaning and grocery shopping that needs to be done, the wishing it were bedtime already or that the kids were older, the panic attacks...
And really experiencing the moments that can pass you by if you aren't paying attention.
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